Maybe one day
by Siberian

Humm, hello there^^!! This one is not about my fave pairing!! This one is Yohji x Ken one ;p! Ehhhmmmm, just want a break^^! Don't worry, I still write Aya x Ken, hehehe... Oh, in case anyone of you notice, this fic is very inspired by a scene of Card Captor Sakura. Yeah, I *do* watch that too, so what^^? If you watch CCS, there's a scene where Li comforts Sakura in the park... yeah, I just *love* that scene... the ever so famous park scene ;)!

Anyway, onto the fic... I don't know, I hope Yohji doesn't sound OOC here^^;... lemme know what you think, guys^^!

      No one has ever thought of Kudou Yohji as a loser.

      Well, at least, that's what I think. Oh, maybe a few do, like Aya or Manx or Birman. But mostly not. Everyone, especially girls, think highly of me, and of course I am happy with that.

      I am Kudou Yohji, the full of confidence, friendly, easy-going, handsome womanizer, a part time florist and a professional assassin.

      And I do believe that myself lives up that reputation. That I am not, in any way, a loser.

      But sometimes, I think I am. There are times when I feel like a pathetic loser. Like when Asuka died and I couldn't do anything to prevent it. Or when I almost screw up a mission, or fail to do my part. Or when I go home drunk and have to face the worried faces of my teammates. Or when I see him, and I can never say what I want to say.

      Him. The object of my affection, the source of all of this sudden feeling of self-pity.

      I can just close my eyes and an image of him pops up easily in my head. I can see his shiny, silky chestnut hair, his expressive liquid brown eyes, his sexy pinkish lips, his boyish face...it is as if he is standing right there in front of me. But when I open my eyes, it all goes away, fades in the reddish ray of a dying sun. An illusion stays as an illusion.

      I love him. It may sound so easily said, but I really mean it. Oh, God, yes, I do. It's not one of those silly crushes I usually have with women. This one goes deeper, just as deep as my feeling towards Asuka. And I want him to notice my feeling, to notice me.

      To see me more than just a killing partner. I want to have my arms encircle him, hands caressing him, lips kissing him. But I can only have that in my dreams.

      He doesn't notice me. At least not at this time being. I know this time he is falling quite hard for Aya. I see it clearly everyday, every time. Because his face and eyes are like an open book, never able to hide any feeling or emotion he is through. Especially when Aya is around.

      It hurts, you know? It does hurt not being able to have his love. It hurts to see the one you love throwing himself to another person, not you. And despite the fact that part of my heart is jumping with happiness, it does hurt to see all the hurts that are written clearly on his face as his loved one ignores him.

      How on earth a person like Ken could fall for the ice-cold redhead is beyond me. And fuck, every time I see Aya ignore him, I want so badly to punch him for hurting Ken. For not knowing what is there, in front of his eyes. For not knowing how lucky he is to have Ken's love and affection.

      I wish Ken fell for me. I know I can make him happy, more than the cold jerk ever could, if he ever notices.

      I grunt and realize that my feet have brought me to the park. I realize I don't want to go back to the shop just yet. Don't want to see him throwing himself at Aya. Might as well share this moment of self-pity with the plants, the air, the flowers, the dying sun, or whatever bothers to share and hear me.

      And I stop short as I see him. There he is, sitting on one of the swings, the sun bathes him with its last glory of the day. I cannot and will not mistaken him with anyone else. I'll recognize that face everywhere.

      He looks so beautiful and I blink, trying to reassure myself that this indeed is a reality, not one of my dreams. He has an unreadable expression on his face and I quickly sense that something is not right.

      I walk up to him, and address him softly as my hand touches his shoulder tentatively. "Ken?"

      He lifts his face, his eyes peeking at me behind those soft chocolate-coloured bangs, and I see his eyes clouded with sadness. "Yohji." He smiles weakly. He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "What are you doing here?"

      I shrug in a movement that I hope casual. "I just happen to pass this place and I see you. You seem so troubled. What happened?" I hold the chain of the swing next to him, and it rattles in invitation.

      He looks down again. "You missed the grand thing, Yohji," he mutters.

      I sit on the swing next to him, swinging it slowly as I move my body back and forth. "Tell me".

      He seems to hesitate and then he looks away. "This afternoon," he says. "This afternoon, I told him".

      My chest tightened. "Huh?"

      He rubbed his face with his hand. "This afternoon, I told Aya what I feel for him..." he says, ever so softly. "I told him 'I love you'".

      The world seems to stop right there and then. My heart thuds loudly at his answer. One thousand and one emotions swirling inside of me. I grip the chain tighter, its coldness penetrating my skin.

      But why would I be so upset about the thing I have always known would happen? "...did you," I force my voice to come out. "And...?"

      "And nothing...he just stood there, with his cold face staring at me as if I had done something...something disgusting, or unacceptable..." he whispers. "I should have known, shouldn't I, ne, Yohji? I should've known that it'd be much better to keep my feeling just for me..."

      I feel a lump form in my throat as a soft sob escapes his lips and I see a tear slip down his cheek. He is *crying*!! Fuck, and Aya made him cry! I feel like I want to run there to wherever Aya is right now and beat the shit out of him.

      "It's not his fault, though," he continues. "I mean...everyone will react that way if a person from your own gender does the thing I did. I just...I should've thought first before...make that stupid move."

      The chain creaks within my grip, and in the evening wind that blows softly, it almost sounds like laughter. As though someone, somewhere is laughing at me.

      "I should've known that whatever love that's left in his heart is only for his imouto..." He smiles again. But his eyes are even more sorrowful than before.

      "I just couldn't help it...I just had to get this burden, this feeling out of my mind..."

      Should I? Should I do the same thing like that? Telling him about my feeling that has constantly been nagging me, haunting me? Should I?

      He shuts his eyes and then the empty smile almost seems so real.

      "And I expect a reaction from him...be it that he angry, or pissed off, or...or...whatever...I just want to have a reaction..."

      He pushes himself off from the swing, as if trying to escape. The chain rattles again, but now it sounds like a cry.

      "But he didn't show any...just a silence, stony face and cold...cold resentment..."

      And why weren't, aren't you angry, Ken? Why are you sad but not angry towards Aya?

      "But maybe that's what he wants the most, ne, Yohji? Maybe not being attached is what makes him happy...and I suppose, if he is happy, I should be too, ne?"

      If you are happy, then why do you cry?

      "You remember about the soap opera you like to watch, Yohji? One of the character I remember saying it...she said 'I want the one I love to be happy, more than to love me in return. Because the one I love being happy is the greatest happiness of all' ...I want so much to be like that character, so I thought that if Aya is happy, I should be happy too..."

      If Ken is happy...

      Then I can be happy too...

      Can't I?

      "But..." He brushes away his tears, laughing slightly. "I don't really understand why... I don't understand why, but I can't feel happy... I feel like angry, sad...and I want to cry..."

      I wonder what his own reaction was when Aya didn't react to his confession. Did he keep that smile too? Did he stay silent, and just apologize before walking away silently? And as for what he really feel...

      Are you really happy for him, Ken? And if Aya has accepted your feeling...can I be happy...and even smile for you?

      Can I be that strong?

      I see tears flowing out from his glassy brown eyes. I see his sorrow, and I understand, because I feel it too. I reach out a hand and take his hand in my own, inside my grip.

      "I understand." The words coming out from my lips softly as I stare into his deep brown eyes.

      I understand, Ken...

      Because if you smile...smiling the way you always do...and it reaches your eyes...then... Then I can be happy too...

      But just a little...there's a little part of me that is sad as well. Because I'm keeping my true feeling from you...

      "I...understand, Ken".

      More than you could ever know...

      His eyes look alive now. They are overflowing with tears, but there was real emotion inside.

      He smiles a little. "Thank you..."

      He rests his forehead on the cold metal post of the swing. "I hope... I hope I'll find someone who I'll really love the best...and I hope that time, that someone will love me back in return..."

      And I want to whisper, *I'm right here*

      "...It's okay, Ken. We both know you'll find whoever that lucky person is," I say comfortingly.

      Because *I* know that person exists.

      He let go the contact with the metal post and smile at me. He pulls his hand from my grip and wipes away the tears. "Thank you so much, Yohji." He blushes. "I must be looked like a stupid emotional wreck... I must act really shameful..."

      "It's okay, Ken." I smile back. "Anytime..."

      He looks away, staring to the sky that is full of deep violet hues and a few light red streaks. His eyes blank but no longer sorrowful. I can't help to think how beautiful he is. How I want to just hold him tightly in my arms and told him my all my feelings for him.

      But no, not now. Not now when he is still hurting. I don't want to play hero who save his loved one from a heartache.

      No, I want to say it when he has healed. When he has forgotten whatever feeling he has towards Aya. When I know that by the time I say those words, he will only see me and think only of me and me alone.

      Because if I tell him now, it'll upset him.

      When he has managed to be strong...strong enough to try to not letting Aya see his sorrow...how could I not do the same?

      Because if I tell him what I feel... all he will think of is my sadness, and he'll be upset, thinking that he is the one who cause it.

      And wasn't he saying about a loved one's happiness? To have a loved one be happy, rather to love you in return?

      So I won't tell him...at least not now.

      Because even if I can't tell him now... even then he always and will always let me be by his side.

      And just with that, I can be happy.

      Can't I?

      He turns to me and smiles. "Say, we go home now?"

      I smile back. "Yeah, it's pretty dark now," I paused. "Are you okay with this, Ken?"

      "What?"

      "Seeing Aya, confronting him after all that has happened?"

      His eyes meet mine and he smiles reassuringly at me. "Thanks for worrying, Yohji. I'm okay. I'll talk to him later...don't worry".

      Just how can he be so strong? "Okay, if you say so..."

      He nods and starts to walk, a couple steps ahead of me. And staring at his back, I fight the urge to sneak my arms around him and hold him tightly to me.

      If I tell him now what I feel... If I tell him...

      "Yohji? What's taking you so long?"

      No, not now. Later.

      As long as he keep looking at me with those bright brown eyes, as long as I still have his smiles for me, as long as he keep letting me by his side...

      I know I still have my chance.

      And I will tell him. Later when the right time has come.

      Someday...

~owari^^~

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